Parties.. singles mixers… speedating… Shaadi.. Match… blah blah blah…. thats what it all feels like after you been seeking a partner in life and have tried soo soo many approaches.  I am exhausted, but yet still single. What to do? Most of my friends are married, but I know alot of people are single… but they just don’t click with me. Seems like alot of people just don’t “click” these days. Are we just spoiled? I have heard LA is a hard place to date, not as difficult as New York though. But what am I suppose to do… pack up my life and move to Texas?? No way. Ahhhh… be single or move to Texas and have a higher chance of getting married. I choose to be single.. but I will still complain. :)  My cousin once said a wise line as I was explaining to him how I don’t want to attend any more singles events….  ” You just need one right??? ( the right person).” So as I am exhausted from dating, and frustrated at not meeting the right one.. I will continue to push myself to meet new people. They say if you want something in life  you gotta work for it. Why should it be different with dating?? Right??

I thought I would share this because it will no doubt happen to someone else. I’m a physician and I grew up watching the same Bollywood movies as other Desi kids. Assuming that as long as I worked hard someday my Raj/Rahul/Prem would show up and he would be a wonderful person. I did the 16 Monday Fast for Lord Shiva to get a good husband. I did every other puja any Pandit would recommend. I figured in the end it would be worth it. It never crossed my mind that some people out there may not have the strength of character I assumed everyone has.

A guy, we’ll call him Bob (his family changed their Indian names because his father claimed that he could not get a job as an engineer in the 1980s with an Indian name in the Bay Area). He is a surgical resident at the hospital where I did my residency. After I finished residency he asked a mutual friend to introduce us. When we met things seemed great. We are both religious, we enjoy a lot of the same things, we are both in the military, we worked well as a team. He claimed that the first time he saw me in the hospital 6 months earlier he went home and begged Lord Balaji to be able to marry me. Within weeks he was discussing wedding planning. In 2 months our parents met. Thats when the trouble started. His father (we’ll call him Roger) didn’t let Bob speak. Roger Uncle explained to me the plans for our lives down to how we would spend our spare time. Roger Uncle kept saying how success was all about knowing what you have that the competition doesnt and capitalizing on it. Later I would understand what that meant. A wedding date was set, but my parents were worried. Roger Uncle kept reminding my parents that I am not a Tamil Brahmin and they would have preferred a Tamil Brahmin girl. But since I am a doctor and I owned my own house I would be acceptable.

Bob is an only child so I just chalked it all up to that. A few weeks later Bob tried to tell his parents that he would like to make his own plans for his upcoming vacation time and his father denied the request then called my father threatening him since he assumed it was my fault that his son spoke up. He said, “Tell you daughter there are plenty of elligible girls in the LA area who will readily marry Bob so she had better behave herself.” I didn’t tell Bob about it because I didn’t want to make trouble. Meanwhile I had been accepted into fellowship at UCLA and Bob was still applying. Roger Uncle demanded that I write to my soon to be boss asking that he write a letter on behalf of Bob. Usually fellowship programs try not to separate married/engaged couples. I was more than happy to do it (even if Roger Uncle hadn’t called my parents 10 times and me 20 times demanding it). Later I would find that this was the only reason Roger Uncle let Bob date me.

Both sets of parents live in the Bay Area. So Roger Uncle and Vicky Aunty (her name was changed too) went to visit my parents. As he walked around the house Roger Uncle said to my father, “This house is worth what 2million dollars?” My Dad just shrugged. Roger Uncle said, “My son will like this house.” They then proceeded to make sure the house would be going to me and not my younger sister.

When Bob got the job at UCLA we were both very happy. He proposed and we decided to have him give me the ring in the temple. It wouldn’t have been the actual engagment ceremony but just us and a few friends. He invited several of his non-Indian friends to the local temple giving them directions a few days in advance. He came to my work to pick me up and as we were heading to the temple his parents called a forbade him (they had known for several days about the plan but waited until the last minute) from putting the ring on my finger. They said he would go to hell if he did. Bob then made some excuse about wanting his parents there. I couldn’t figure out why in the past 4 days of planning, and inviting his friends he didn’t realize that his parents would not be there.

A week later Roger Uncle sent me an email to dump me on behalf of the family. That evening Roger Uncle called me and yelled at me for 2 hours telling me what an awful person I am. The next day Bob called and said he wanted us to stay together. I told him he could walk away right then without any hard feelings because I didn’t expect him to fight his parents. But he put his hand on a statue of Lord Balaji and swore that he loved me and would marry me no matter what his parents did. He said he knew his parents would do this with any girl (I didn’t know at the time that he had been engaged the year before to a Tamil Brahmin girl his parents picked but that when Roger Uncle met her mother they got in a huge fight and the engagement was ended). The next several months were miserable with Roger Uncle calling Bob on a daily basis and yelling at him saying he would be cursed by God for being with me. Roger Uncle would call me every other day to yell at me. Even when I called him on father’s day to wish him a happy father’s day it turned into him screaming at me about how evil I am. He would call my father several times a week to yell at him. Finally Roger Uncle said I could marry Bob only if I promised not to sell my home when I started fellowship in LA. I tried to explain to him that I could not find a tenant to cover my mortgage and that I could not afford rent in LA if I were still paying my mortgage. He told Bob that he was afraid I would sell the home and give the money to my parents so they wouldn’t get any of it. His mother said any girl wanting to marry him should be willing to bring at least $150,000 to the marriage. Roger Uncle was harassing my family and me on a daily basis.

I still had faith in Bob. If not in Bob then in Lord Balaji. Unfortunately a few months later Bob sent me a text message to end our relationship. What I couldn’t understand is why someone who is 29 years old cannot stand up for themselves. He would tell me how his parents have been mentally abusive to him his entire life. He swore he didn’t agree with the comments about money. So why not stand up for what you believe in? If you watch an injustice and do nothing about it you might as well condone it. He and I never fought except for the ring exchange incident.

They claim to be religious, but none of their actions were those of God Fearing people. Just because they sponsor a monthly puja in the temple does not make them religious. I consider myself to be religious, but I try to make a part of my daily life and how I treat people. When I take care of kids in the hospital I see it as a form of puja.

The other day someone told me they saw his Ad on Shaadi.com and as I read it I could hear Roger Uncle’s words. I thought I would share it with people so maybe someone else can be spared what I went through.

** Sorry, personal profile omitted by Kismate **

   Sometimes there are just no reasons why things in life happen the way they do.  My story begins quite some time ago.   After going to law school and becoming a lawyer I figured that there was more to life than just work.   Life for me is about sharing its ups and downs with someone special.   There are many Indians where I live in California but its been hard for me to filter out quality individuals especially since alot of the guys in California never know when to balance their ambition with other aspects of their social life.   After a while, I decided to do everything in my power to take charge to get what I wanted… (eventually that someone special) I added my profile to India Match and Shaadi.com.  Many people who know me know that I’m more of a social type.   I’d rather talk over the phone than endlessly email someone I’d rather just meet someone up rather than endless phonecalls.  After communicating with several guys back and forth only to be disappointed and lose interest.   I started the process again.  I checked my email on India Match and had received a message from a guy in Arizona with a very interesting screen name and cute picture.   The message said something like you’re very pretty.   Obviously, I thought to myself this guy definitely has taste .   The picture grabbed my attention since I could sort of determine from the fuzziness of the picture that the guy was cute.   The profile screen name also grabbed my attention because it had a hint of romance.  The screen name was Ek Piyar..or one love…. based on the profile, the guy seemed romantic.   Since I was intrigued, I tried to rpely back to Ek Piyar’s message.  Unfortunately, after several days went by, I didn’t hear anything back.  I started the process again.  This time I decided to spend some time on Shaadi.com.   While perusing the profiles on Shaadi, I came across Ek Piyar’s profile and was amazed.   I figured that I should try one more time and see if I could get a hold of Ek Piyar.  Guess what, Ek Piyar and I exchanged phone numbers and talked over the phone.  Our first conversation over the phone seemed great.  Ek Piyar seemed like a smart cookie.   Since he had to wake up early the next morning we ended our phone conversation.  Several days later, I called Ek Piyar.  Unfortunately, he was at the hospital working so we didn’t have a chance to talk.   About a month passed by and for some reason, Ek Piyar and I never chatted that is until the Matri Convention.    One day, my girlfriend’s mom mentioned the Matri Convention to her.  Matri is a Convention geared towards individuals who are looking to find the one.   Although I was a little hesitant to go to the Convention since it was a little hesistant to go to the Convention since it was being held in New Jersey, it was going to be pricey and its essentially a “find your hubby or find your wifey conference.    I focused on the positives of the Convention.  If I attended the conference it would mean at least the physical attraction element would be easier to discover as opposed to on shaadi.com or India Match.    Shaadi.com or India Match, a person only is truly able to discover if they are physically attracted to someone after numerous phone conversations and then meeting up the individuals.    Matri gathers everyone at one location so this aspect of physical attraction is easier since you get to see everyone in person and get to have live conversations.   My girlfriend and I walked into Matri and registered and then sat down at a table.   While we were waiting, guess who also showed up at our table…Ek Piyar.    It seemed so strange to see him there especially since NJ is a long way from Arizona and California and we had flakey conversations on India Match and shaadi.com and it just seemed like what are the odds that the guy I spoke to would be at a conference in New Jersey.   Anyways, after I met Ek Piyar, I definitely liked what I saw in the looks department…. But looks are one thing, as for his personality, I still had to get to know him.   The whole point of Matri is to get to know individuals that you don’t already know.   So Ek Piyar and I both had brief conversations with one another and then tried to get to know others.  After a while, my girlfriend told me that Ek Piyar sat down with her because he was done networking and felt that I was working the room.   The next day I felt far worse about Ek Piyar especially since it seemed like he had a harem of women who were interested in him.   As the conference was about to end, all Matri attendees were supposed to pick their top choices of who they wanted to spend five minutes with at the conference and talk.   Prior to this, Ek Piyar told me that he wasn’t going to pick me because he lost interest…just kidding, he figured that he already had my phone number and he was going to be coming out to LA the following weekend so we would get to know each other then.   Apparently, Ek Piyar told me that he was coming to LA to see another girl that weekend and if I was interested, he and I should also meet up.    To be quite honest,when Ek Piyar  told me this, I was initially really turned off.   He seemed like Pimp daddy trying to get to know as many girls as possible.   After a while I thought about it and realized that I was a hypocrite.  Ek Piyar was blatantly honest with me and told me why he was coming to LA.  Nevertheless, in the back of my head it kind of sucks when someone is honest with you when you yourself feel like you’re the bomb and have alot of qualities to offer…more so then alot of indian girls.  Ek Piyar came into town one week after the Matri conference.  he already made plans with the other LA girl for Friday night….Ek Piyar later told me the LA girl was boring.  Ek Piyar did want to spend Saturday night with me, unfortunately I had to work.  On Sunday, Ek Piyar agreed to meet up for lunch before he headed out to Arizona 3 hours later.  Conversation at lunch seemed to be really flowing, there weren’t any dull moments.  I even showed Ek Piyar around the beach from the car.   By the time I showed Ek Piyar the beach it was time for him to go.   I wanted to spend more time with him.   We ended our hangout with both of us on the same page.  I decided that Ek Piyar wasn’t a creep for coming to see another girl and incidentally seeing me in LA.   We both wanted to spend more time with each other so I planned a road trip to Arizona to see him.   

 The Road trip:   When I planned my road trip, I was excited to see Ek Piyar since we had such a great time but then somewhere along my roadtrip I felt a little weird, I still believe in CHIVALRY and would never evr go visit a guy first unless there were some exceptional circumstances.  I guess I’ve always believed this.  I just feel that while life is about chances and you’re not going to get anywhere without taking a chance, by me travelling to the guy it seems like I’m on his own home turff and technically the guy may feel that I want him more since I’m travelling to see him.   After overanalyzing the road trip, I though hey, technically I didn’t go to see him first because although he didn’t specifically come to see me in LA, he did tell me that the other LA girl was a bore and that we genuinely had fun together and genuinely should spend time together.

 The trip:  Once I arrived in Arizona, I was excited to see Ek Piayr, I felt everything was great.  Our conversation flowed, we relaxed with some alcohol and he was definitely cute.    The only bad thing was the 111 degree heat…its like stepping into an oven.   After talking in general…Ek Piyar and I went to dinner.  Dinner conversation started out well until Ek mentioned the four other women he was talking to.  When I heard Ek mention the four other women, it kind of sucked because I felt that number one, the guy should clearly see what’s in front of him and forget about all the others heeheee…. and I also felt like I was just a number and was putting in alot of effort to see him (5 hours) one way just to feel like a number.    At that moment I was annoyed at Ek.    While i valued his honesty, it sucked to know I was one of four.   What’s ironic is that I guess I had a double standard.  Like Ek, I’m also on a mission to find the one and I feel the only way to do that is to keep putting effort into people who seem like they’re focused and know what they want and then be exclusive.  I drove back home from Arizona and as I’m writing this things make more sense.   At this point, I strongly believe if you’re bpound to meet someone as Ek and I were…you will.  I also believe that no one can force someone into exclusivity, you’ve gotta go with how you both feel and if its meant to be it’ll be, if it isn’t it wont and you’ve gotta push yourself to find the one.

 The next day, Ek and I spent more time together and he  brought up the topic of a kiss.   Ek basically felt that if the persona kissed badly even if he and the girl got along, it wasn’t going to work.  Anyways, it was time to say goodbye to Ek.   Since we talked about the kissing aspect so much I figured that he wasn’t going to kiss me since we both agreed on meeting up another time.   As we were about to say good bye…all I could think about was that I wanted to kiss him but also the pressure of the kiss…will it be good…bad…and then it was too late to think.   Ek hugged me and we kissed.    After the kiss, he left and let’s just say while I do want to protect my heart I can’t wait to see him again.

So my girlfriend and I decided to go to a lounge over the weeekend.  While my girlfriend talked to her guy, I ended up talking to her boyfriend Raj’s friend, who I shall call CHEAPSTER.   At the lounge, CHEAPSTER and my conversation was great, maybe this was because I had seen CHEAPSTER a few times before and was briefly acquainted with him.   CHEAPSTER and I even danced at the lounge.   At the end of the night, it seemed that CHEAPSTER liked me because he kept on smiling at me.   Unfortunately, he forgot to ask for my phone number.  A few days later, my girlfriend Meena thought it would be a good idea to go on a double date and hang out with her boyfriend Raj and CHEAPSTER and I.  The plan was to go to dinner and a movie.  Since CHEAPSTER lived a little far from all of us, I drove to Meena’s house and Raj drove us to CHEAPSTER’S.  Since we were running late for the movie, we called CHEAPSTER to let him know we were on the way.  CHEAPSTER waited in the car.   When we arrived, Meena motioned me to CHEAPSTER’S passenger door.   Raj opened Meena’s door and then MY DOOR since CHEAPSTER didn’t bother to get out of the car.  Nonetheless, the door opening was a minor issue.   I put on a smile and carried on with the rest if the date/ hangout.   After all four of us finished eating dinner at a restaurant, it was time to pay the bill.   Raj pulled out his credit card and so did I.   Raj told me to put my credit card away, CHEAPSTER on the other hand, seemed hesitant to pay the bill and seemed irritated that I didn’t.  Nevertheless, I put on a smile and we all went to the movies.  At the movie theater, CHEAPSTER specifically asked me if I would pay for his ticket.   I was APPALLED at that moment not because CHEAPSTER asked me to pay, I gladly would have  as I firmly offered during dinner.  Instead, I was appalled because even if I was going to pay for the movie, the mere fact of him asking in such a rude direct manner showed me just the type of guy he is… definitely NOT MY TYPE. Anyways, after that, I kept to myself at the theater and enjoyed the movie I paid for .  What’s weird is that CHEAPSTER even asked for my phone number at the end of the night.   I just don’t think he gets it!

1.  Guys, dating tip #1 is don’t ask a girl out by text message or by e-mail.   Even if you are following up after a date, don’t follow up by a text message or an e-mail, it’s so impersonal.

 2.  On the first date, regardless of whether the girl asks you out or you ask her out, be a gentleman and pay for dinner and the movie.   Trust me, if you’re a gentleman in the beginning, the girl will definitely treat you the next time around for a night out on the town without you asking her.

3.  On the earlier dates with a girl, try not to answer your phone during a date unless it’s from your immediate family and it could be an emergency or it’s business and its a business matter of the highest importance.

4.  When you’re out to dinner, let your date order before you, CHIVALRY ISN’T DEAD YET!!!

5.  When you’re walking into a restaurant, never let your date follow behind you in the restaurant.   Try to let your date walk into the restaurant infront of you or next to you.

6.   If you and your date are walking on sidewalk, try to let your date walk on the inner part of the sidewalk AWAY from all of the cars…once again guys….CHIVALRY!

i think  dating sucks… jus cuz it does!!!

Dress Classy!  You may want to show off your stuff to capture his attention, but once that’s done, its time to start a new strategy.  You don’t want him to think that you are willing to show off all the time, in the end you want him to respect you too.  On the second or third dates, be sure to keep parts of yourself hidden.  Lets his imagination do the work for you!

Can you believe this actually happened to me?

Gentlemen, if you want to make that lasting first impression, or want things to move forward with a pre-existing relationship, here’s a few tips to knock that girl off her feet:
- Hit the Gym!  And i’m not talking two or three days before the date, I mean make it a regular part of your week.  Despite what they say, women are looking out for that hot bod just like us guys.
- Don’t wear what your mother recommends.  New clothes, and looking good in general has a huge effect in the way you feel.  If you feel comfortable and confident, the more of an impression you are going to make.
- Be Creative!  Remember girls get hit up a lot more than us guys.  What’s going to make you stand out!
- Listen.  The number one turn off for girls is guys that don’t listen well. 

- Spend some time glossing over that last minute make-up.  Remember, the devil is in the details.
- If you invite him over, make sure your place looks clean.  He’s going to be thinking about how your house together is going to look.